The best of the Game Fuel flavors, but that isn’t saying much. It tastes like “blue.” It also contains… ginseng? If I was electrocuted while drinking this, God would laugh at me. It’s citrus flattened out to no distinction: no real bite, no juicy tang, nothing. As white Arctic Blast, what’s advertised as a blizzard is a pathetic puddle in a bottle. An ambitious failure, but still a failure.ĭewmocracy is a sham. Have you ever had a bunch of cranberries call you a cuck? Didn’t think so. Cranberry just can’t be made obnoxious enough for Mountain Dew. It’s a bold vision with a limp execution. The cranberry is muted the pomegranate doesn’t make a case for its undeserved exceptionalism. There’s a band name for you! That’s what this curiously fancy canned variety tastes like.ĭew’s Christmas flavor last year was a combination of pomegranate and cranberry, two previously uncharted territories in their quest to prove that every fruit can channel the guy who gets kicked out of Irish bars every day but St. They’ve rebranded it as their energy drink line, but as mentioned earlier, I have some concerns for my health, so I will not be unpacking that. For a brand that might as well get a majority stake in Twitch at this point, Mountain Dew’s “Game Fuel” sure didn’t deliver. Something named “Arctic Burst” should hit me like Immortal’s Battles in the North to my face. It is the anti-Bulletproof coffee, save for their shared caffeine boost. Dew is a drink for scumbags of all body shapes. Also, why are you drinking Diet Dew? This stuff isn’t for people who have ever used the #thinspo hashtag with sincerity, or for people who plan to live for however long the butter coffee guy thinks we can live if we drink oily water. At least Diet Coke’s metallic aftertaste kind of works in its favor: This is all pain, no pleasure. American hegemony’s end can’t come fast enough.)Īrtificial sweeteners lend an acrid bite that really doesn’t benefit the core Dew. (In related news, Mountain Dew will introduce a new product called the “Liberty Brew” in May, and allegedly will be a combination of 50 flavors. This is the Gatsby-esque flickering light of capitalist aspiration that drives America the shine of the empire is dimmer the closer you get to it. Dew-S-A is void of sugar and resembles the pale glow of a half-baked idea-one that inexplicably made it into production. Code Red is an elite Dew flavor brought down by the mediocrity of White Out and Voltage. Drinking this is like drinking every Twitter thread re-litigating 2016-utter misery that feels longer than it actually is. Get it? Unfortunately, combining these flavors results in absolute trash (which happens to be a strange purple color). At least it’s unique? Which neither ICE nor Cherry ICE can claim…ĭew-S-A was a limited-edition drink from 2016 combining Code Red, White Out, and Voltage: red, white, and blue. It’s advertised as a far more appealing synthesis of peach and honey. The weird, somewhat herbal flavor is as confusing as the name, and lies somewhere between Jägermeister and fake cinnamon. Still, it’s less of a soda and more like the runoff of a broken slushie machine. ICE doesn’t even give you that monstrous pleasure it’s worse than useless.Ī smidge of cherry flavor adds a bit of much-needed definition to ICE. You’re supposed to look at a Dew bottle and feel a twinge of regret every gulp as the brightly colored monstrosity before you diminishes in grandeur, leaving behind a plastic husk-the bullet casings of your health’s demise. Dew is supposed to be defiantly neon, every sip a rush of sugar bros yelling “ARE YOU TRIGGERED” at your tastebuds. Not only is it the most unoriginal and worst-tasting Dew, but the fact that they tried to Crystal Pepsi this is the most insulting thing of all. They added caffeine to deadstock Sierra Mist. Also, this list doesn’t include the Dew Energy drinks, because 1) energy drinks are a whole different thing from sodas and 2) in researching this piece, it’ll be amazing if I make it one second past age 37.) However, the below is still 100-percent correct given what’s included. So if you’re a Pitch Black II or Green Label stan looking for validation, I can’t give you that. (While this is a fairly comprehensive list, it is by no means complete, because there are some Dew flavors I simply never got around to. My blood will become dangerously acidic from drinking all this Dew, and since I’m not a xenomorph, my body will burn and crumble. I’ve put my health on the line to prove once and for all which Dews exemplify the best of us and are a blight on our existence. I informally shared the list with friends on social media, and I received a more enthusiastic response than to any serious music criticism I’ve written. About a year ago, probably when I was blowing off a deadline, I decided to rank every Dew flavor. But ultimately, some Dew flavors are better than others.
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